No News Isn't Always Good...

It's frustrating, but there hasn't been a lot of change regarding my son's health. The last few weeks I have been at my wit's end with the lack of answers and progress in my son's case. We have gone though quite a few potential diagnoses, but nothing has been certain.

Due to the lack of movement towards a concrete diagnosis of any kind, my son's pediatrician sent us to the local children's hospital to have some testing done. If it weren't for the fact that he finally received expedited outpatient appointments with several specialists I would have regarded his stay at the hospital to be largely unfruitful and an overall colossal waste of time (another story entirely for another time).

He continues to appear as if he is in pain and feeling miserable. He often moans or whines, lets out screams of pain randomly throughout the day, continues to be small despite eating great, doesn't sleep well, cries in his sleep most of the time, and throws up at least once a day.

It's very painful for me to watch him suffer day in and day out. It's frustrating that there seems to be nothing I can do to help him, and it's sad to see him become sullen and melancholy. Thankfully he still has many smiles and giggles and I do my best to treasure these moments. I have noticed, however, that there are more and more expressionless, sad, and lackluster moments. This breaks my heart.

I know sometimes no news can be good news. For me this is not one of those times. I am hopeful that we will soon figure out what is causing his discomfort. I am hoping that we will be able to help him in some way. I am also feeling a certain peacefulness about the many potential diagnoses. I know in my heart that with our Heavenly Father's loving guidance everything will be okay. In the mean time I need to focus on being patient while we wait.

Mommy Brain - Guest Post!

Today's mommy blogging guest is Miriam! She is a loving wife and a fabulous new mother. Her little guy made his debut in October and he is now four months old and keeps her very busy. Even though taking care of her family keeps her busy she also likes to craft, bake, blog, write, and run an Etsy shop! We are so pleased to have a guest post from this absolutely wonderful woman. 

We would love for you to check out her blog as well, you can do so at the link below. It's an uplifting blog about life, motherhood, and of course crafting!

 Miriam's Blog - Live Happy Thoughts

The “Mommy Brain” Crazy Train

“Pregnancy brain is the worst!” That is what people tell you, and during your first pregnancy you believe them because you don’t know any better, and it is awful. During my third trimester I cried in frustration at least once per day because of my pregnancy brain. I longed for the day when I would be able to hold thoughts in my head again, and my baby in my arms, but that day still hasn’t come. The truth is: pregnancy brain is nothing compared to mommy brain.

Mommy brain is more than exhaustion induced sluggishness or pregnancy induced dementia. It is a vexing dance of forgetting and remembering at the same time, with thoughts lingering on your brain for one second only, then turbulently replaced with a new one. This alteration in brain power will cause many changes. Here are five you may notice:

You become the most random person you know.

“The baby had another blow out, which reminds me that we need more diapers (phew, glad I got that one out), also I want to make everyone matching Christmas pjs, and …oh crap! Um…this wasn’t it, but we need to defrost some beef for dinner.” At first my husband would raise an eyebrow, keeping his thoughts to himself, but now this sort of slap dash communication is commonplace in our life. He doesn’t even blink, but instead repeats “diapers, Christmas pajamas, beef. Got it,” in an effort to reassure me that someone will remember.

You won’t usually remember, but when you do it will be when you’re trying to sleep.

If I had a nickel for every time I woke up in the night, suddenly remembering a slew of things I had forgotten during the day… “Oh man, I don’t want to forget that again. Should I wake up--? No, no just grab some paper. Where to find…? Oh dang, it’s gone... I’m going back to sleep.”

When you do remember something you didn’t write down you feel like a champion. I won a spelling Bee in the second grade and felt like I was literally on top of the world. I didn’t think any accomplishment would ever eclipse that moment of blissful and total success, but I was wrong. As an example I have included a recent conversation had at the grocery store.

Husband: “I feel like we need something else, what are we forgetting?

Me: “Um…”

Husband: “Do we need cereal?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Hmmm….”

Me (in a loud, overly enthusiastic voice that makes passersby jump in surprise and look at us): “Bread!”

Euphoria ensues!

Your forgetfulness causes you to look little, well, homeless.

Pretty much every time I leave the house I realize that I look like a cross between a stray dog and a war refugee. This is usually because even though I tried my hardest to remember to change my shirt (which is covered in spit up), or to brush my hair, or put on a little make up I ultimately find that I am out in the real world having accomplished none of those things. I am smelly, tangled, and have made no attempt to camouflage the bags under my eyes. Gone are the days when I would feel a jolt of panic upon realization that I had left the house without putting earrings in. I can barely remember what earrings look like? Do I own any?

You have a new set of skills

Sure simple addition makes you scratch your head occasionally, you mix up words when you speak, and you can’t remember where anything is. Who cares? Now, you can change a dirty diaper in the blink of an eye. Suddenly, you are capable of performing nearly every task with one arm, instead of two, (this means that if you do happen to remember the mountain of dirty laundry you at least have a fighting chance). You have inexplicably ninja-like reflexes. Everything else about you may be firing extra slow, but when your baby is in an even slightly dangerous situation your on the scene quicker than lightning. These new skills may not impress the masses, but they will impress your family, and they are particularly well suited to your new set of tasks.

So, the question is: where did all that extra brain space go? Recent research suggests that a woman’s brain becomes very plastic just after giving birth, growing so that she can better care for her baby. It’s true that motherhood brings a plethora of extra responsibility making your brain a little crowded, but I believe there is more to it. I think the cranial real estate gets bought out by something far more worthy. No matter how difficult your parental journey is there is an awful lot of extra love and happiness thrown into life, and when your heart gets too full you have to store the excess somewhere. So enjoy the joy and take all of your mommy brain related faux pas in stride.

Postpartum Anxiety

Hearing the rhythmic sounds of my newborn son's breathing was comforting to me in those first days, weeks, and months, like most mothers. Unfortunately for me, hearing those sounds went beyond a simple comfort and morphed into an almost obsessive compulsive behavior. I'm sure this is why he stayed sleeping in our bed for longer then he might have otherwise.

I couldn't sleep while he was in our bed, but I also couldn't sleep when he was in his own room. It was physically painful for me. The only time I could let myself go into a deep sleep was when my husband was home and awake with our son. I would lay awake in frustration on the rare occasion that he did nap because I was unable to sleep myself.

This caused me to be, as I'm sure you might imagine, a very tired and exhausted mamma. My body was revolting against me and all that I was putting it through. On top of an extremely fussy child who was in pain, often screaming, and rarely slept I was working two nights a week. As the months wore on I did my best to be strong, to be the best wife and mother I could be for my little family.

Trying to be strong doesn't help much when you have postpartum anxiety. It's not something that just goes away if you're "strong enough". I began to loose feeling and have tingling sensations in my fingers and toes, arms and legs, face, back etc. Soon whole sides of me would go numb randomly. It got so bad they assumed the worst. They checked me for a host of things including MS.

They couldn't find anything wrong with me and the doctor finally had a conversation with me about the possibility of postpartum anxiety. I think he was concerned that I would be offended, but I wasn't. I was relived. I finally had some answers and possibly some help.

With the loving support of my amazing husband and wonderful family and friends along with several months of being on medication I started to feel a weight lift. I was slowly losing some of my obsessive compulsive behaviors and the physical symptoms started to dissipate as well. I still don't feel like I'm 100%, but I can see a vast improvement.

The gentle sounds of his breath are still comforting, even over a year later. I catch myself fighting pangs of irrational worry. Thankfully those are fading and are morphing into a more normal motherly feeling of worry. From the start I didn't think I was extra anxious or more anxious then I ought to have been. I thought the feelings I was having were normal.

I think many people feel that it's normal, but these thoughts, feelings, emotions, and physical symptoms go beyond normal. They go beyond what any mom, whether new or a veteran, should have to go though. They go on trying to function, not receiving the help and encouragement they need. Postpartum Anxiety and Depression manifest themselves in many ways. It often varies widely from person to person.

Postpartum Anxiety and Depression are very real and are more common than many people think. They are nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. They are often treatable with counseling, medication or a combination of both. Even if you feel just a bit off or think things are much harder then they should be, talk to your doctor. That, along with open communication with your spouse, family members, and friends are essential to healing.

 *****

Feel free to share your experiences here as well, anonymously or otherwise, via comments or email. If you would like your story to be shared as a guest post please let me know. Because experiences with postpartum Anxiety and Depression can be so varied, its good to here about it from many different angles.

Snugly Moment

After his bath my little one usually hangs out with me for a bit before he finishes getting ready for bed. So, earlier tonight, after his bath my little guy was sitting in my lap and we were enjoying some snuggle time.

Apparently I wasn't snuggling well enough for his liking though. He matter-of-factly reached over, took my hand and placed it on his tummy. I love my snugly little boy and the sweet moments I am able to share with him.

After a long day, there's nothing quite like a sweet snuggle.

Testing 1...2...

My 13 month old son is fairly small for his age, weighing in at just under 17lbs. He has grown approximately 2 inches and gained almost 2lbs since his 6 month check up. It wasn't alarming at first because he has always eaten great and seemed to be proportionate. 

He has been fussy and has had issues with sleeping the majority of his little life. So we went in for his year well check and immunization appointment hoping to get a few answers. What we came to find was shocking to us -- our son wasn't even on the charts. I knew he was small, but I guess because he looked and ate normally I wasn't expecting him to be that small. They mentioned the phrase "failure to thrive". Failure to thrive!? What? How can a child who nurses, eats regularly, looks normal, and acts developmentally normal not be thriving?

We didn't know that he had stopped growing entirely. We began to be more worried with each passing moment about his lack of growth. His pediatrician wanted to give us a bit of time to see if we could get him to put on some weight. We had no such luck.

We returned after almost a month feeling defeated and now with some serious worry. His pediatrician ordered some blood work and tested for the usual suspects: kidney function, liver function, immune system, thyroid, celiac etc.

The blood draw was a horrible experience. Not because the phlebotomists were horrible, but because my son thrashed and screamed with pain, sadness, and confusion. His blood draw required three tries and two different people to get an adequate amount of blood for testing. They had to poke and re-poke, digging around in his little arm to find his vein. Once that was all over the ladies gave us space and let me hold him and nurse him. 

We waited not so patiently for the results and when they finally came we got some non-news. We were grateful that most of the tests came back negative, but we were still uneasy about the lack of a definitive answer. We were told that his amino acids were off and that further testing would be beneficial to check for, and hopefully rule out, a genetic disorder.

Cue the deja vu!

We were glad to have my in-laws with us this time. They were so sweet to come and support our little guy. Fortunately this time around they needed less blood. But, unfortunately this time proved to be a bit more difficult.

The first set of phlebotomists were unable to get any blood and eventually gave up after my son bit one of them. The second set of phlebotomists both tried and finally one of them who was the third and final person to try got it! Once again my husband and I had to hold our son down and watch him as he screamed and thrashed around. Huge tears ran down his face the entire time. Thankfully it seemed slightly less painful once they actually got the blood going. They retrieved the single vile of blood and we were able to get going.

Currently we are waiting for the blood tests to come back and don't expect any news for a week or two. Even though we would like answers we are waiting and hoping for negative results.
Until then we are still trying to fatten him up though it seems pointless and unsuccessful.

Do you have any favorite snacks or meals that are extra nutrient filled and or fattening? We would love to hear your ideas!

Thanks so much!

Leaving

I have a part time job working two nights a week at a hotel near our home. It's a wonderful place to work and they treat me incredibly well. However, leaving my son those two nights a week is getting more and more difficult the older he gets.

I kiss those squishy cheeks goodbye over and over and I hesitate as I open the door.

A lot of families make sacrifices so they can have a stay at home parent. I wonder if those who are in that situation understand that it is a sacrifice for working moms as well. It's heart breaking and difficult for me to leave my little one and go to work. However, in our current situation working outside of the home is necessary.

I work nights for exactly this reason. I work overnight so that I can be home with my son during the day. Not only because the cost of child care is out of reach but because I want to be home with my son. I want to be the one caring for him.

This schedule is physically, mentally, and emotionally taxing at times. I often go twenty-four or more hours without sleep multiple times a week. I do this for my husband and I do this for my child. Every mother makes sacrifices for their family, this just happens to be something I am doing for the time being for mine. It wont last forever and it certainly is worth it.

A lot of people remind young mothers who express grief over their current life challenges: "it goes by so fast, so treasure it while you can". They say this out of love and they say it from the heart. I have a feeling in my mind and soul that what they say is true: that someday most mothers look back with fondness and a longing. That we get to a point of sweet nostalgia. I think the struggles become forgotten or at least the pain of it fades. Perhaps it's a blessing to see past difficulties through rose colored glasses. So that we can better focus on the blessings of mothering our children.

This truth, however, does not and should not negate the current struggles of motherhood, because motherhood is difficult, challenging, and trying. It's not meant to be easy and it shouldn't be! These struggles allow us to dig deeper. It stretches us as individuals. That stretching allows for change and hopefully growth (if we let it).

It's easy to lose track while you're elbow deep in poo, rushing here and there, and washing load after load of dirty laundry. It's good to be reminded of the more important, eternal view. So we can readjust our focus while we are about the day to day mothering. This is why at some point, when I have passed this phase in my life, I have a feeling I will say to a young mother: "it goes by so fast, so treasure it while you can." Not as a patronizing "you should appreciate this time more!", but as a "you can do it, keep going, it's all worth it in the end."

Going to work, having to leave my son and being sleep deprived are all temporary. I hope I can stay centered and focused and keep a more eternal view. 

Meal Time: Some Experience Necessary

When my son first started eating "solid" foods I naively believed that I could put a bib on him and call it good. The messes that ensued were impressive to say the least. I decided to ditch the bib and keep him stripped down to his diaper for each meal. Of course to some this might seem utterly trashy, but no need to worry, I only did this in the privacy of my own home...

As your child reaches the milestone of eating "regular" food you become well acquainted with the monotony of the daily mealtime grind. The naked as a jay bird thing cut down on the excess laundry substantially but nothing could take away the chore of cleaning off that blasted high chair tray meal after meal - or was there?

There was! Laugh if you must but I began using a towel to cover his tray and I would reuse the towel throughout the day and throw it in the wash at the end of the day. Coming full circle we are back to an increase in laundry.

There is no win/win in this situation. So instead I decided to be less "lazy" and resume the laborious task of cleaning off his tray in between meals. At this point in time my little Mr. rarely needs to be stripped down to his drawers for meal time. Not because he is less messy, but because I have come to terms with the excess laundry.

                                                                        *****

Do you have any genius tips or tricks? What about any interesting or amusing stories from your solid food adventures?

We would love to hear from you!

You can comment below

or

If you have a story you would like to share as a guest post please send us a message via the "contact" box.

Many Thanks and Happy Meal Time!

Birth Without Shame

A soon to be mother that I know asked for advice from her mommy friends on labor and delivery. There were many great replies to her questions and I'm glad she asked! It's great to hear from many different mom's on this subject. You could see the outpouring of support for her through the various comments.

What concerns me however, are the people who are often well meaning but end up shaming mothers and mothers-to-be about the birth process. I didn't want this mamma-to-be to feel any of that pressure and I surely do not want her to feel any of the shame, sadness, or disappointment that I felt after my son’s birth.

I feel like I have to explain away my birth story and I am really frustrated and saddened by this.

One of my sister-in-laws has had an epidural with her last three babies. There is no shame in that! My sister prefers natural birth and that is the way her last child was born. There is no shame in that either; in fact, there is no shame in whatever way your baby comes into this world. Things often don't go as planned regarding pregnancy, birth, and raising children. As mothers, I feel that we need to be prepared for this.

I was set on having a natural birth and my physician was very supportive of this. He expressed that as long as I was in good health I wouldn't even need an IV. I was nervous, but excited to try for a natural birthing experience. When the birth of my son didn't go the way I had planned I felt a bit defeated. No one should feel that way!

My son came at 37 weeks and 3 days via an induced vaginal birth. The physicians made the decision to induce because I had preeclampsia. I believe I had been suffering from it for awhile, but the doctors didn't catch it right away. I think they didn't notice it for many reasons, but mostly because my blood pressure is normally perfect to slightly low and during the majority of the pregnancy my blood pressure was very low. So when my blood pressure started to come up it didn't seem like a bad thing at first, as it was still within normal range. Another reason I feel contributed to a later diagnosis was that I had gained so little weight in the first two trimesters that when I started to gain weight it was a welcome change. 

For a few months my feet were so swollen that they only fit into one pair of shoes and even those left marks on my feet. They were huge! My feet were not the only parts of me that were swelling to an unusual size. My face and hands were also swelling. I started to have a horrible headache that never went away no matter what I did. And to top it off I was constantly nauseous. I chalked this all up to normal pregnancy discomforts and left it at that. It wasn't until I had gained 11 lbs in one week that they took any notice. 

 

After a doctors visit and a few trips to the hospital they determined that I was going to have to stay and that the safest course of action was to induce my labor. They wanted to avoid an emergency c-section.

I had two days of "natural" contractions that were brought on by the medication they gave me to soften my cervix. I was stuck in a hospital bed, tethered to an IV and was only allowed to get up to use the bathroom.

On day three they started the pitocin. I had pitocin induced contractions for 15 1/2 hours before I became systolic. I was given an epidural to bring my blood pressure down. At this point I still wasn't dilating past a 3. I felt like I was going nowhere and getting there fast. It was so frustrating! 

This snails pace didn't last very long after getting the epidural. It was only an hour and a half before it wore off and by that time I was ready to push. I only pushed a few times and my son made his entrance. After several days with no sleep and near constant contractions we had survived! I was tired, but oh so happy to have an alert and healthy little one in my arms.

It wasn't until we had rested up a bit and people started asking questions and wanting to know about my birth experience that the unease settled in. It felt as though I had to justify everything about the birth to people. I felt judged and I began to feel defeated. As though the marathon I had gone through was somehow inferior because I had been induced, I had gotten an epidural, and I didn't have a truly natural birth.

Everyone's experience is going to be different. Everyone's body and baby are different. No one should try to force you or shame you into giving birth in a particular way or shame you for the experience that you did have. Have a plan, but be open to change as well. You know your body and baby better then anyone else. Your birthing experience is your own and whether it is natural or induced, by c-section or with an epidural, it is a special experience and an incredible accomplishment.