No News Isn't Always Good...

It's frustrating, but there hasn't been a lot of change regarding my son's health. The last few weeks I have been at my wit's end with the lack of answers and progress in my son's case. We have gone though quite a few potential diagnoses, but nothing has been certain.

Due to the lack of movement towards a concrete diagnosis of any kind, my son's pediatrician sent us to the local children's hospital to have some testing done. If it weren't for the fact that he finally received expedited outpatient appointments with several specialists I would have regarded his stay at the hospital to be largely unfruitful and an overall colossal waste of time (another story entirely for another time).

He continues to appear as if he is in pain and feeling miserable. He often moans or whines, lets out screams of pain randomly throughout the day, continues to be small despite eating great, doesn't sleep well, cries in his sleep most of the time, and throws up at least once a day.

It's very painful for me to watch him suffer day in and day out. It's frustrating that there seems to be nothing I can do to help him, and it's sad to see him become sullen and melancholy. Thankfully he still has many smiles and giggles and I do my best to treasure these moments. I have noticed, however, that there are more and more expressionless, sad, and lackluster moments. This breaks my heart.

I know sometimes no news can be good news. For me this is not one of those times. I am hopeful that we will soon figure out what is causing his discomfort. I am hoping that we will be able to help him in some way. I am also feeling a certain peacefulness about the many potential diagnoses. I know in my heart that with our Heavenly Father's loving guidance everything will be okay. In the mean time I need to focus on being patient while we wait.

Mommy Brain - Guest Post!

Today's mommy blogging guest is Miriam! She is a loving wife and a fabulous new mother. Her little guy made his debut in October and he is now four months old and keeps her very busy. Even though taking care of her family keeps her busy she also likes to craft, bake, blog, write, and run an Etsy shop! We are so pleased to have a guest post from this absolutely wonderful woman. 

We would love for you to check out her blog as well, you can do so at the link below. It's an uplifting blog about life, motherhood, and of course crafting!

 Miriam's Blog - Live Happy Thoughts

The “Mommy Brain” Crazy Train

“Pregnancy brain is the worst!” That is what people tell you, and during your first pregnancy you believe them because you don’t know any better, and it is awful. During my third trimester I cried in frustration at least once per day because of my pregnancy brain. I longed for the day when I would be able to hold thoughts in my head again, and my baby in my arms, but that day still hasn’t come. The truth is: pregnancy brain is nothing compared to mommy brain.

Mommy brain is more than exhaustion induced sluggishness or pregnancy induced dementia. It is a vexing dance of forgetting and remembering at the same time, with thoughts lingering on your brain for one second only, then turbulently replaced with a new one. This alteration in brain power will cause many changes. Here are five you may notice:

You become the most random person you know.

“The baby had another blow out, which reminds me that we need more diapers (phew, glad I got that one out), also I want to make everyone matching Christmas pjs, and …oh crap! Um…this wasn’t it, but we need to defrost some beef for dinner.” At first my husband would raise an eyebrow, keeping his thoughts to himself, but now this sort of slap dash communication is commonplace in our life. He doesn’t even blink, but instead repeats “diapers, Christmas pajamas, beef. Got it,” in an effort to reassure me that someone will remember.

You won’t usually remember, but when you do it will be when you’re trying to sleep.

If I had a nickel for every time I woke up in the night, suddenly remembering a slew of things I had forgotten during the day… “Oh man, I don’t want to forget that again. Should I wake up--? No, no just grab some paper. Where to find…? Oh dang, it’s gone... I’m going back to sleep.”

When you do remember something you didn’t write down you feel like a champion. I won a spelling Bee in the second grade and felt like I was literally on top of the world. I didn’t think any accomplishment would ever eclipse that moment of blissful and total success, but I was wrong. As an example I have included a recent conversation had at the grocery store.

Husband: “I feel like we need something else, what are we forgetting?

Me: “Um…”

Husband: “Do we need cereal?”

Me: “No…”

Husband: “Hmmm….”

Me (in a loud, overly enthusiastic voice that makes passersby jump in surprise and look at us): “Bread!”

Euphoria ensues!

Your forgetfulness causes you to look little, well, homeless.

Pretty much every time I leave the house I realize that I look like a cross between a stray dog and a war refugee. This is usually because even though I tried my hardest to remember to change my shirt (which is covered in spit up), or to brush my hair, or put on a little make up I ultimately find that I am out in the real world having accomplished none of those things. I am smelly, tangled, and have made no attempt to camouflage the bags under my eyes. Gone are the days when I would feel a jolt of panic upon realization that I had left the house without putting earrings in. I can barely remember what earrings look like? Do I own any?

You have a new set of skills

Sure simple addition makes you scratch your head occasionally, you mix up words when you speak, and you can’t remember where anything is. Who cares? Now, you can change a dirty diaper in the blink of an eye. Suddenly, you are capable of performing nearly every task with one arm, instead of two, (this means that if you do happen to remember the mountain of dirty laundry you at least have a fighting chance). You have inexplicably ninja-like reflexes. Everything else about you may be firing extra slow, but when your baby is in an even slightly dangerous situation your on the scene quicker than lightning. These new skills may not impress the masses, but they will impress your family, and they are particularly well suited to your new set of tasks.

So, the question is: where did all that extra brain space go? Recent research suggests that a woman’s brain becomes very plastic just after giving birth, growing so that she can better care for her baby. It’s true that motherhood brings a plethora of extra responsibility making your brain a little crowded, but I believe there is more to it. I think the cranial real estate gets bought out by something far more worthy. No matter how difficult your parental journey is there is an awful lot of extra love and happiness thrown into life, and when your heart gets too full you have to store the excess somewhere. So enjoy the joy and take all of your mommy brain related faux pas in stride.

Postpartum Anxiety

Hearing the rhythmic sounds of my newborn son's breathing was comforting to me in those first days, weeks, and months, like most mothers. Unfortunately for me, hearing those sounds went beyond a simple comfort and morphed into an almost obsessive compulsive behavior. I'm sure this is why he stayed sleeping in our bed for longer then he might have otherwise.

I couldn't sleep while he was in our bed, but I also couldn't sleep when he was in his own room. It was physically painful for me. The only time I could let myself go into a deep sleep was when my husband was home and awake with our son. I would lay awake in frustration on the rare occasion that he did nap because I was unable to sleep myself.

This caused me to be, as I'm sure you might imagine, a very tired and exhausted mamma. My body was revolting against me and all that I was putting it through. On top of an extremely fussy child who was in pain, often screaming, and rarely slept I was working two nights a week. As the months wore on I did my best to be strong, to be the best wife and mother I could be for my little family.

Trying to be strong doesn't help much when you have postpartum anxiety. It's not something that just goes away if you're "strong enough". I began to loose feeling and have tingling sensations in my fingers and toes, arms and legs, face, back etc. Soon whole sides of me would go numb randomly. It got so bad they assumed the worst. They checked me for a host of things including MS.

They couldn't find anything wrong with me and the doctor finally had a conversation with me about the possibility of postpartum anxiety. I think he was concerned that I would be offended, but I wasn't. I was relived. I finally had some answers and possibly some help.

With the loving support of my amazing husband and wonderful family and friends along with several months of being on medication I started to feel a weight lift. I was slowly losing some of my obsessive compulsive behaviors and the physical symptoms started to dissipate as well. I still don't feel like I'm 100%, but I can see a vast improvement.

The gentle sounds of his breath are still comforting, even over a year later. I catch myself fighting pangs of irrational worry. Thankfully those are fading and are morphing into a more normal motherly feeling of worry. From the start I didn't think I was extra anxious or more anxious then I ought to have been. I thought the feelings I was having were normal.

I think many people feel that it's normal, but these thoughts, feelings, emotions, and physical symptoms go beyond normal. They go beyond what any mom, whether new or a veteran, should have to go though. They go on trying to function, not receiving the help and encouragement they need. Postpartum Anxiety and Depression manifest themselves in many ways. It often varies widely from person to person.

Postpartum Anxiety and Depression are very real and are more common than many people think. They are nothing to be embarrassed or ashamed of. They are often treatable with counseling, medication or a combination of both. Even if you feel just a bit off or think things are much harder then they should be, talk to your doctor. That, along with open communication with your spouse, family members, and friends are essential to healing.

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Feel free to share your experiences here as well, anonymously or otherwise, via comments or email. If you would like your story to be shared as a guest post please let me know. Because experiences with postpartum Anxiety and Depression can be so varied, its good to here about it from many different angles.

Snugly Moment

After his bath my little one usually hangs out with me for a bit before he finishes getting ready for bed. So, earlier tonight, after his bath my little guy was sitting in my lap and we were enjoying some snuggle time.

Apparently I wasn't snuggling well enough for his liking though. He matter-of-factly reached over, took my hand and placed it on his tummy. I love my snugly little boy and the sweet moments I am able to share with him.

After a long day, there's nothing quite like a sweet snuggle.